I feared for my life Saturday night in a small room at the Stake Center next to the primary. For the first time since old man Agassi threatened to end my earthly sojourn, I could slowly feel life seeping and pleading to leave my now svelte 221 pound frame. During rehearsal for "The Geezers" meet the Palmyra Ward Hoedown Extravaganza, Jerry, lap-band surgery man, Austin laid a cookie for us. Half in jest, half out of necessity, who will ever know. Only the Lap-Band Man knows, and he is not talking.
Maybe Jerry's cookie drop was in line with the surgery repercussions, but now, I can honestly say that the action verb that rhymes with "parting" is no longer my main source of entertainment. Even if it is an innocent "toot" by my precious grandchildren, I will, as partriarch of this family, not stand for any more aggrandizing of this most disgusting, althought in the past extremely pleasurable, form of abuse of others. Can you imagine how embarrassed Jerry Austin must have been when he heard that all meetings at the Stake Center were cancelled for Sunday. I still do not know how we managed entertain after such trauma to our systems.
Incidentally, without their lead singer, "The Geezers" would be an nonentity. The performance went way too late for the Review Journal deadlines, but I just know the reviews were off the charts for a ward function.
We don't post pictures here at 4743 Siegfried Street, but I am going to have Jek-ka-ka post our first album cover for "The Geezers". Yes, you heard correctly...vinyl is coming back, and we are jumping on.
For the first time today, I read the comments you have made on my numerous past blog posts. You are, indeed, as Rebecca stated, a clever bunch. My next goal is to overcome my selfishness and comment on your blogs when you get them up and runnning.
Also, Jennifro, I won't pull any punches about how disappointed I was in your athletic prowess as a youth; but, you might be happy to know that at this juncture, you are currently at the #1 slot in overall family performance. Jill is a not too distant 2nd, and four couples are currently tied for 3rd. James Mitchell is dead last. Marriage would boost him into 3rd. Karen and John Joe (AMSOF) are going to make an effort to push Jill for the #2 spot and maybe even take a hard look at the "Fro" at the top of the heap.
Before I forget regarding one of your comments, Grandma May called me every clean name you can imagine in my youth, so, her being called a horse would tickle her right off her Celestial cloud. And yes, Jill, I remember the swimming, but I think you were medicated.
Family performance is based on the following:
Fidelity to spouse
Temple Attendance
Callings
Church Attendance
Payment of Tithes and Offerings
Children potty trained
Music Lessons (grandparents will help when they can and if needed)
Food Storage (a must)
Language (crudeness)
Deportment (controlled outbursts)
Some sports when of age (not all sports)
Saving for retirement
Missionary minded
Inner pulchritude
Always willing to bring sandwiches and chips
Gossip free
Encourage good clean humor (Jill is coming on strong in this department)
More on Family performance and why I am a happy man later.
Love,
VV, AMSOF, and for now LSOTG
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12 comments:
Inner pulchritude???
I go to Uvsc dad; Please keep the large vocab down to a minimum. I feel i'm doin pretty good with that list. I see some areas for improvement; however, I feel that it is a little unfair considering many of these duties require a family and spouse. Due to this unfair advantage which you have given everyone else, I must resign from doing these duties and instead, desire to apostatize completely. I hope this will not cause any hard feelings in our family relationships. Thank you sir!.....I said THANK YOU........SIR!!!
And as for farting not being funny anymore.......dad, let's get serious. Don't lie to yourself. Farting will ALWAYS be funny. I just had a great conversation about it last night with some of my friends( and yes, some of the girls even admitted it). Amen
DAD! Love it! I'm right where I belong in #1 spot, I will say. I am still finding it hard to believe that any fart could find offense with you. I see where Mitch got those genes. Have you read his questions? It'll do you both proud, mostly mom.
So who is leaving the VV comments you or May?
What do your last initials stand for?????
LSOTG???
Also, can't wait to see the Geezers! Keep em comin!
lead singer of the geezers C'mon Jenn, your smarter than that! Howdy VV
Um Dad, I would like one of your CDs!!! By the way I would appreciate some sort of comment about me with each post. After all I think I am top on your list. I am the best tithe payer in the family, thats why i am so freaking rich!
Oh and Dad, don't say Fa%*@ing isn't your game... You coined the phrase "Dont tell your mom" and "its okay, its fresh"
FIrst off,
Let's see who really can beat this...
Temple-last Friday
chips and drinks-EVERY SUNDAY
Potty Trained-Alexis
retirement-jason doing it
missionary minded-DOes ANN mean anything?
Food Storage-Have you seen my pantry -you shopped for all of it with me
Fidelity-mostly
callings-has anyone else had to do the nursery
I think it is time to rethink the family performance or your not coming over tomorrow!!
OH and YES. Who is the only child who has actually SEEN THE GEEZERS? That would be me.
Dad, I am so glad to see that you got a taste of your own medicine. Farts are funny only if you're the one "dealing" it. Once you start getting into old man farts from friends I'm sure it's a different story. Thanks Jerry!
As far as the family thing, if I'm not first I'm out completely!
Big John: nice blog. Didn't get a chance to read your post, but I'll be back to get my Big John Miller humor fix every so often. We still need to go to grab some lunch and recall Ragg Mopp, roadshows, and 7th grade english.
regards,
jerm warfare
I love the fact that this post was about the most important things: farting, geezers, and family. What a nice mix? You guys should buy a year supply of tissue for me for all the tears I shed because of you. Crying over you...I love a good laugh!
For the record....I tried to connect poop/fan boy with my adorable niece at the Y...but I guess he wasn't havin it!! So stop complaining Mitchy, we all know you have hundreds of girls at your feet. I see them on facebook, they LOVE MITCH! And who wouldn't? I know I do!!
Geez uncle, I was feeling pretty good about myself until I read your "performance" checklist. Good thing Mert doesn't rank his children by your standards because we would all be disowned. However, I will frequent this post to keep myself in check to make every one of those things happen so when you rank neices and nephews, I can be at the top. And you are welcome to enjoy a ham sandwich and baked lays any time at my house.
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